God’s Call or a Call of Nature?

           by Leo Battaglia, Ph.D., MD, LL.D., PCP, LSD

     “Paper will take anything.  But do you know about Jesus Christ?”
said José, a born-again Christian from South America.  I was trying to
get cozy next to Mary-Lou, but here I was, sitting by the pond at Southern
Connecticut State University, listening to a madman argue with a pretty girl
on the subject of whether or not we actually come from monkeys.
   “What an asshole,” I thought to myself.  Just when I want to be alone
with a pretty girl, he forces all this Jesus crap on me.  He talks about suicides
and the evils of the flesh.  It’s that sinful flesh once again.  It always gets us
into trouble.  Oh well!  The only problem is that I had no real experience of
the female flesh in 27 years, and when I heard him talk like that, I felt like
laughing.  Anyway, Barney had explained it to me quite well.  All those Jesus
freaks have “loose sphincters.”  I guess they can’t keep their shit inside.  They
have to let it out for all to see, whether the others want to see it or not.  I guess
I can relate to that.  I once was at a party where a girl was passing out muscle
relaxants to everybody. “Sure,” I said, “that should liven up the party,” forgetting
the fact that my sphincter is a muscle.  The next thing I knew is that I had an
uncontrollable urge to defecate, or to put it simply, to take a shit.  And since the
bathroom was occupied, I had to run outside of the building, take down my pants
and do it right in an alley--just like a dog.  I puked and went back to the party.
 

                                               October 1, 1989
                                            --Alexander Shaumyan