To SeanSean, you deep philosophical altruist,
What is the point?
We eat, we sleep, we die--
What is our breakfast in life?
And there is no optimism in a banana
peel--
Surely, when I put on my sneakers,
I notice the shoelaces
which I must tie in a knot,
but philosophy is a Gordian knot
which no one can untie,
So, do we cut the damned thing and
consider the problem solved?
Or do we go out to lunch?
Coffee, more coffee
and more sandwiches
in a world where few people
can eat sandwiches,
No, perhaps it's all baloney
or bologna laid out on top
of salami with lettuce
and tomato,
mustard and mayonnaise,
but where is the cheese?
Or should I say where is the beef?
Sean, I don't want to be arrested
for exposing my salami in public,
Sean, I don't want to speak of baloney,
But the super-intellectuals are testing monkeys
these days and are finding out
that monkeys too feel pain
and have hang-ups like human beings,
And I still don't know what space is,
and Gatzke and Marsoobian are not much help,
And we know that there are not enough
sandwiches for everybody,
And there is not enough TIME
and I don't mean TIME magazine either,
Or Gatzke's attempt to understand
the concept of time--
There is just not enough bloody time
to do bloody everything,
Time, time, time,
We are always killing time
and sometimes we kill each other
while doing it,
when we should really be loving each other
like Christ suggested,
And you know of certain people who want to be Christs
these days,
But we have too many Christs and not enough love
in the world,
and the marriages break up,
and people simply get bored with each other--
maybe they don't have much in common, who knows?
Maybe they want to try someone else in bed?
We are killing time, Sean,
Yes, there is always beer--
Michelob, Budweiser, Heineken,
And there is Spuds McKenzie, if I spell it right--
A womanizing white dog with black spots
around the eyes, god I hate that mutt,
And there are girls in bikinis,
lots of pretty girls in bikinis, Sean,
a lot of girls for us to choose from,
Sean, we could be like Frankie and Annette,
having a beach party,
Party, party, party--that's what we need, Sean,
another big party with plenty of beer and plenty
of pretty girls in bikinis
just like on TV,
We could call it the Philosophy Club
and everyone will show up,
and they will appear like they love one another,
that is until the beer runs out--
How much beer do we have, Sean?No, Sean, this is wasting time,
You know well that not all the women
look like that,
And you can't constantly drink beer
without becoming an alcoholic
or getting caught driving while
intoxicated,
And people don't wear beachwear in winter,
in Connecticut, that is,
All this is just another plot of the
corporate heads with megabucks
to keep us complacent,
desiring things that we can't have
or simply don't need,
And sometimes I wonder after
talking to some people--
What the hell is the American Dream?Is it just watching MTV every day?
Sean, I'm beginning to understand
that some people get the shaft in this
bloody system and it's not just the poor,
the poor always got the shaft--We all get the shaft living this zombielike
existence of overstimulated pornographic
pop culture--we are all crucified each day
from watching too much television,
and no wonder our sex is not so great,Who has great sex, Sean?
Only the rich people with megabucks,
but they too get bored with each other,
so what is great sex?And now with the AIDS scare I'm not
sure, Sean, I'm not bloody sure
where the hell we are going--Does anyone know where the hell they are going?
Do they even bother to ask themselves?It's just one big roller coaster ride with as many
cheap thrills as possible,
and the super-intellectuals just watch the ride
and complain about colorization of black-and-white
movies,
they want to see Humphrey Bogart
in black and white, Sean,
I don't really care much for Humphrey, but they do,
Why? Because they also watch TV,
only the shows they watch are "super-intellectual"
like Humphrey Bogart,
and afterwards they say that TV is crap,Maybe it is, but the whole bloody world is staring
at the tube,They don't have time to live and what do they live for?
So we have our Playboys, our Hustlers, our Penthouses,
not to mention Plato, Aristotle, Kierkegaard, Nietzsche,
Heidegger, Kant, Hegel, and all the other great minds--So when will Larry Flynt meet with Karl Popper to discuss
philosophy of science and/or masturbatory behavior in
primates?This is something Darwin, Freud and Nietzsche overlooked:
that we would all be masturbating,So Descartes should have really said:
"I think, therefore I masturbate, and maybe if I stopped
masturbating so much, I would be able to do more exciting
things than doubt my existence."So you see, Sean, it's all pretty straightforward.
If we have a society of masturbators, then we need
Hustler.
This way we don't have to relate to one another.
We will all be Nietzschean Super-Masturbators.Who needs good sex when we have our egos?*
So this is what I came up with, Sean:
1) If you read too much, you probably need glasses.
2) If you masturbate (or think too much), get a copy of
Playboy, Hustler, or Penthouse, or one of "those" mags.
3) If you really care for people, go out there and meet
them. And don't worry about the old philosophical
problem of other minds. If you have a mind, there is
a good chance that others might have it, too.
4) Have a sense of humor, for god's sake. If somebody
doesn't like you, he/she probably doesn't have a
sense of humor (or a twisted one).
5) Don't be afraid to criticize your teachers. They masturbate
too. Only they won't always admit it.
6) Whatever you want to add to this list, Sean, be my guest.
I don't want to just masturbate on this page.So I think I'm pretty much finished with my philosophical/
poetical/prosaic/scientific discussion on the importance of
relating to others.Until next time in the Galaxy!
(Draw more cartoons, too! Those are fun!)
January 1, 1988
--Alexander Shaumyan
_____
* According to my friend Tom, there is a more colloquial way of saying "Who needs good sex when we have our egos?" I think it goes something like "Go fuck yourself!"