Some Thoughts on the Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles and Other American Absurdities
It’s an asinine idea and gives you gas
and it swallows you into the swamp of mediocrity
devoid of imagination,
and the one who sees things as they are
has his eyes gouged out:
How dare you kill our Snoopy and our Bugs Bunny
along with Lassie and Rambo
and the trashy slime of the silver screen
and the wiggling ass of Elvis
and the luscious tits of Marilyn...
How dare you!!!
And as my lonely self squirms in
the mud, surrounded by shallow faces,
pretentious smiles and all the swollen
heads who claim to be above it all,
NO!!! I scream...I WANT NONE OF IT!!!
It gives me hemorrhoids and indigestion,
and I suffer from diarrhea and a bad liver
for loving a girl who fell in love with a fantasy,
for my reality is much too painful to behold...
So I masturbate night and day like a cockroach
in front of a TV set with a strange angelic glow
and a promise of an afterlife...
I’m terribly lonely and I want to touch
her
but the things I say make her unhappy
and I have to be creative
and publish that great book
so that everyone is happy but I’m suffocated by it all
and I cannot breathe...
There’s so much that I want to say but I
cannot
say it because it frightens her...
You have to be positive
to survive in this world...
So put on a cheery face, for the Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles are out to save the day...
No, darling, I will not tell you to smile,
I will only say that I miss you.
June 9, 1990
--Alexander Shaumyan